The Cobra Arena of Sport
In a mountainous region somewhere in South America, Cobra had retaken an old temple, and the fortress now flickered back to life with an uneasy shuffle of troops who weren't entirely sure who was in charge anymore.
Raptor certainly thought he was.
The man in the bird suit surveyed the arena below as Ramar stepped into the arena, just as he had so many years ago. Zanzibar lounged nearby, and Leila, ever socially competitive, watched with predatory delight.
Ramar and the Fatal Fluffy wrestled for control of it's laser gun, as it shot into the air, but the monster was too powerful and pushed him away.
The feathered accountant, annoyed, replied, "He is overmatched and will be dead soon. All muscles, no brains."
Ramar staggered as the monster's whip cracked across his back, each sound different: crack, whack, thwack, snap, and each strike tearing a raw "Agh!" from his throat.
"Leila may be onto something, actually," Zanzibar drawled, "I'll wager a thousand gold serpentine coins that man defeats beast! That is the way of nature."
"Ha!" Raptor snapped, "Against my Fatal Fluffy? Never! You're on! And besides, my monster is currently winning! You're making a poor bet, but I'll take your money all the same."
Below, the monster bellowed the only words it knew: "DIE! DIE! DIE!" It charged again, shrieking the mantra with rising frenzy, and even the villains watching above hated the sound, "DIE! DIE! DIE!" It became rabid, even demonic.
But Ramar rolled, seized an arena spear, and used the creature's own momentum against it. With a roar, he drove the weapon home.
The Fatal Fluffy's final "DIE! DIE! DI...***...**...*...," broke into a wet, unnatural sound, collapsing into a "hrrrkkk‑kkhrrr…" before the beast toppled into the ground, twitching once, then going still.
The arena fell silent.
Ramar straightened, "This... thing... is dead and the world is better for it. However... I see three more monsters above for me to kill as well."
Leila noted with a velvet edge, "Oh, such a shame!"
"A lucky blow!" the bird-man said in a huff.
The elegant Cobra operative observed, twisting the knife, "Honestly, Raptor, you really should train your monsters better. It reflects poorly on all of us."
"Fatal Fluffies are slave drivers. Hardly smart enough in one-on-one battles. It was the only possible outcome," Zanzibar explained, "I trust my winnings will be sent through my usual channels?"
"Bah," Raptor complained, "You'll get your gold, and it's no matter as we have control of these mines again. Plenty more will be mass-produced."
Leila tried not to laugh, a bit too happy with herself, "Oh, I'm sure you'll find the monster that can defeat Ramar. Perhaps even you should face him. You did say brains triumph over brawn, hmm hmm hmm right right right?"
Raptor sputtered, "I-it... umm... It would be a short fight."
"Oh, that I believe," she agreed, her words soft‑spoken, graceful, and a bit too sweet.
"There will be plenty of time to test the slave champion again," Zanzibar suggested, "More money for me to win. But for now, the others have arrived."
A Coil Tightens
The three dispersed, soon joining the arriving Cobra high command, who were gathered in the grand hall.
Raptor stood proudly in the center of the room, feathers rustling with every self‑important breath.
"Excellent work, Zanzibar," he said, both praising and informing the others of all that had transpired. "Your reconnaissance made rounding up the simpletons in the local villages almost too easy."
The pirate bowed with a theatrical flourish. "Loyalty to Cobra runs deep in my veins. And I have experience with slave capture during my time on the seas."
The accountant bird-man nodded approvingly. "What our forces temporarily lack in manpower, we make up for in fanatical devotion."
Major Bludd straightened, eager for praise. "And we stand at the ready!"
Destro, arms crossed, was less enthusiastic. "But why here, Raptor? I protest! Re‑establishing a base where G.I. Joe has already struck is madness."
Baroness leaned toward her lover, whispering, "Tread carefully. These… oddities who've crawled out of the ruins of Cobra have captured hearts and minds."
Raptor hissed back, "Idiot! It's the last place they'll look! Their resources are tied up in Enterprise City thanks to that Twenty Questions broadcast."
The Twins spoke up, tentatively backing Raptor up with a lazy confidence.
"Our new feathered friend seems to be correct," Tomax began, as they ran a thought experiment.
And Xamot went on, "G.I. Joe thinks they're tightening a noose around Extensive Enterprises and Cobra's neck."
"But all they're doing is chasing shadows," Tomax proposed, as they played it out logically in their twin minds.
"Meanwhile, Cobra remains hidden under a stone the Joes already turned over years ago," they said in unison, catching on to Raptor's cleverness.
Raptor Crowned
Raptor spread his arms dramatically as Cobra's high command went to the upper level of the temple.
"I spoke with Golobulus this morning. He wanted me to personally commend all of you! He REALLY thinks you're all doing a bang-up job. And until our glorious Emperor Serpentor returns, alive and well, I am Interim Cobra Emperor!"
The Crimson Twins exchanged a synchronized look of disbelief, their earlier glee gone.
"You expect us," Tomax began.
"To believe that," Xamot continued.
"Without question," Tomax finished.
"Yes!" Raptor snapped. "My commands are Serpentor's, and his are Golobulus', and his are for the betterment of the world. Only a tightening of the Coil can bring true enlightenment!"
Leila shook her head, whispering so low only she could hear it. "Pfft."
"I'm something of an accountant myself," Raptor said, as he turned to the Twins. "I've reviewed the Extensive Enterprises books. Rest assured, your cash‑flow problems will be solved."
Zanzibar kicked open a treasure chest overflowing with gold and jewels.
The Twins' eyes gleamed.
"We suppose," Tomax said.
"That if it is the will of Golobulus," Xamot added.
"Then... All Hail Raptor," they finished together.
Destro and Baroness joined in reluctantly, exchanging a look that said, "This is insanity." To their side, Leila's eyes narrowed ever so slightly.
Soon, she took them to their quarters. "I am sure you'll enjoy your accommodations, noble Destro, mistress Baroness."
"Yes, all the more when you join us this evening," Destro commanded.
"See how easily I take control?" the man in feathers said. "Some were born to rule. Others to serve."
"And still others to die," the slave threatened, and glared back. "My people defeated Cobra once. We will again."
Raptor snapped his fingers. "Take this muscle‑bound brute to the holding area until he is needed again for sport. The rest, back to work in the mines as slaves of Cobra."
He turned to Major Bludd. "Where is his sister, Selina?"
Cobra's long-standing field commander gave his progress report. "We've searched high and low. No luck. The temple and the surrounding areas have far too many secret passages. But we'll find her."
Leila folded her arms. The new Cobra leader was, if anything, endlessly entertaining. "Oh, Raptor, I'm sure finding one simple, helpless girl will be no challenge for you whatsoever."
Raptor looked around and was about to cut her down when his ally interjected.
"If I may," Zanzibar interjected, "The mouse has to come out to play eventually. Selina will make herself known."
"So, I'm just supposed to wait around?!?!" the man in a bird suit shouted. "Selina is the heart of her people! A symbol! Until she is broken and serving me in all ways, we do not have complete control of this temple!"
There was a tone beneath his words—something possessive and unsettling. Raptor didn't just want Selina captured. He wanted her broken, displayed, and forced to validate his rule.
"Trust me," Zanzibar said with a knowing smile. "I've known wenches in my time. Cobra troops will find her, or she'll get captured doing something foolish. Then, all it takes is a bit of discipline until Selina goes limp over your knee. I think you can handle that... hmm?... as I am needed elsewhere."
Raptor gasped.
"What? At this critical moment? I don't trust anyone but you! I need your, umm, friendship, not to mention your special counsel and abilities."
"Oh, but we also need Dr. Mindbender," Zanzibar replied smoothly. "I'm going to fetch him. He's the only one who can clone Serpentor. You are only the Interim Emperor, after all."
The pirate's smile widened, just enough to sting. "Unless great and powerful Golobulus saw fit to give you the secret knowledge of cloning… when you spoke to him this morning."
Raptor nearly spat out his teeth. "khhhghh, hhkkahhh," he coughed, "Well, he is a very busy snake king…"
Zanzibar bowed mockingly and flew away, leaving Raptor sputtering in the middle of his own throne room.
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